Lonely road

Today was awful, woke up to a broken fride freezer which was not the highlight of my day, not what I need when money is tight and there’s no stable income….

I’ve just wanted to shut myself away in my own world in a dark room and not be pestered by anyone, but I’ve solidered through it as I always do, head high back straight and a smile on my face. Very emotional very on edge. So damn tired all the time and I don’t even know why, I’m sleeping well , at least I think I am. Its weird for me I feel like I sleep but EVERY morning I wake up I can never remember getting into bed or going to sleep. I’ve wanted to curl up in a ball and rock myself back to sleep .

Just want one day to go right for me and to have a happy day and be positive but right now that’s not looking very likely. Feels like I’m on a lonely road even though I’m surrounded by love and people ….

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A day in the life of BPD

The sun’s shinning, the birds tweeting, I’m up nice and early getting ready to do the school run, feeling positive but thoughts lingering in the back of my mind, what will today bring? Will I have an episode, will there be arguments…

I wish I could wake up just for one day without any worries, without any negative thoughts. Days can be long and tiring even if I’m doing nothing, because even though I’m doing nothing I’m battling my head everyday.. I hate not knowing how to regulate my feelings, I’m in control of my body but her I can’t regulate my own emotions?

Only time will tell what this day will bring and what will happen during it. Hopefully it will be a good one.

Introduction

This is an introduction to my blog, ive often written about things and just thought why not share it with other people? or why not just let people see me vent and maybe help others who are in the same boat as me…..

Diagnosed a year ago now, this cruel illness has been one hell of a rollercoaster and it sure hasnt been easy, many obstacles have stood in my way and its been hard to get over them, but i have because im a damn warrior, and one of the hardest things has to be battling your own head everyday. So a big pat on the back to all those who do so!!

Im 21 soon to turn 22 and my life hasnt been the easiest. But i have lots to show for the hell ive been through, ive got an amazing little boy and the best partner in the world anyone could ask for, never left my side once, aside the soppy stuff im in a happy place right now but who knows which way that could go? i get good days and AWFUL days where i just cant face the thought of getting out of bed but i do, i put a smile on and carry on as if nothing was wrong.

The hardest part of this illness is accepting that you want something thats going to make your life amazing…but your head not wanting any of it and trying to turn your life upside down.. how does that work?? Who knew your brain could be so against you..

What a mystery….

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